So much to get out of my head, where to start?!?

Ok, here goes. I've been resisting doing this all day, even though I know I really really need it. And with only an hour to go before I head home I'm going to take the time / make the time to clear up the mess in my head.

I don't feel that messy right now.

I think that I get torn between knowing I can do things on my own and wanting support. I think that it confuses me and others. I'm so used to relying only on myself and doing things on my own, and then when others get close it confuses me - Do I let them help? Do I expect their help? Or do I do it on my own as I always have?

I get scared about what this cancer journey is going to look like. Then I forget about the reality of it and get caught up in the cosmetics of life - my backyard, body image, etc. I'm scared of the unknown, diseases are full of unknowns. I just want my family to be ok.

I don't look at us as victims, we're survivors. Losing dad at a young age was tragic but we survived. The fear of losing my other parent is overwhelming but no matter what happens we'll survive. Sadness and fear and all of the feelings that surface are normal.

I think that I'm so used to being ok with everything and being strong and getting through it all that I have a hard time in the moments that I'm not ok. I resist allowing myself the tidal waves of fear and deep deep sadness. I remember not being 'allowed' to feel them when I was younger, I had to be strong and move on. I don't want to do that to my son so why do I do it to myself?

I'm also torn about balance and being human vs a fake image of something I want to be versus who I am.

#newyear #resolutions #old