Prickly

Sometimes it’s hard to remember that she’s a patient, not well and needing to be taken care of. She’s my parent, my only parent, but now she’s also unwell and not quite herself lately.

Her tone is harsher. She’s very impatient and critical. More judgemental, opinionated and short sighted. It feels like I’m held to a higher standard than others and that no matter what I do something will be ‘wrong’. I’m trying to be level headed and remember that if she’s the patient and I’m the nurse then this is about doing what needs to be done to get her better and ignoring the rest because it’s not about me. I can’t take all of the bullshit personally. The mood swings have made the relationship feel unsafe and unreliable which isn’t new, it’s an added layer onto an already unpredictable foundation. But it still hurts. It still stings when her tone changes and the passive aggressive implication is that I’ve done something wrong by having plans on a day she suddenly decided we’ll be celebrating my step-father’s birthday*. Suggesting doing it another day or the following week got her to raise her voice so I made an excuse to get off the phone to avoid confrontation. If it was my middle brother who had a prior commitment I unequivocally believe that he wouldn’t get the same reaction but instead alternative dates would be tabled.

*In the past she’s thrown him multiple parties (for the same birthday) yet has been fine missing or being out of town for mine, so I’m starting to become resentful and annoyed by the recurring double standard that’s been obvious for years but glaring now.

I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells unsure if what I’m doing or saying will be well received or not, and it’s adding stress to MY life. I’ve worked hard to avoid drama and keep it out of my life as much as possible but now every interaction with her feels fraught with tension. My life is very busy and full, with plenty of opportunities for stress to consume me, and having this added layer of emotional vulnerability on top of the fears, anxiety and logistics of navigating her disease is starting to wear me down.

Up until now I've been annoyed that my aunt will be in town from California for so long but perhaps her visit will give mom someone else to pick on, someone else to dump on, someone else to direct her meanness towards.

I feel so guilty having these feelings but on the flip side she’s still alive and she’s still my mom, which means that our Jewish mother-daughter relationship is still as up & down as ever. Maybe more so now that we’re all feeling so fragile.

Boyfriend is great and encourages me to share these things that I’d normally bottle up and stew about on my own. I share with my friends but he’s now a part of my life in a different way, a more integrated way, so sharing with him gives him a window into our world together and he’s able to help me process everything. I’m not used to this and my natural tendency is to plough through things alone, but he’s teaching me to open up and let him help me.

I don’t feel like I’ve got a lot on my plate but others keep bringing it up. It doesn’t feel like more than usual, though yesterday was a tad bit annoying. Dealing with ex husband shit, landscaper delays, getting son to his first little league game, and the rest of life was a bit much. But I slept better last night and I’m feeling better in general today.

Time to get to work.