Letting the light in

Hello again,

It looks like I’m going from daily to weekly posts here. I understand why - life is freaking busy! - but I’ve also gotta remember how helpful and therapeutic this outlet is. It helps me process and make sense of what’s going on, and I can definitely use that.

So the update -

Things have been a rollercoaster. How the hell did this end up being ‘reality’??? One day mom has a pulled groin (end of December). Two months later we find out there’s something wrong with her bones (mid-February). A month later we find out it’s lymphoma (end of March). Another month later we learn it’s aggressive ‘double-hit lymphoma’ (beginning of May). Fast forward to today and life seems surreal. I know firsthand how quickly things can change in our lives but we really didn’t see this one coming and now the future is blurry. It’s a monochromatic watercolour with soft lines, nothing in focus, clear or sharp.

I’ve had bouts of deep darkness these past few weeks. Visions of funerals, sitting shiva, arguments, grief. Disbelief. Anger. Confusion. Helplessness. Loneliness. And fear, lots and lots of fear. How does one even contemplate a future without their mom? I always thought I’ve have years upon years with her. Even though we don’t always get along we share a very deep bond and I’m not ready to let her go. I’m not ready to live a life without mom’s advice, help or company. I’m just not. I’m not ready to tell my son stories about her in retrospect not as anecdotes. Man, this feels so unreal.

Last week my son had to have emerg oral surgery, which really threw me. It’s so awful seeing a loved one in pain. During the procedure I could hear him screaming in agony, which traumatized both of us. We were told that the gas would numb him to the pain but he felt everything and I was locked out of the room unable to save my baby. It was one of the worst moments of my life, definitely in the top 5. Luckily little monkeys bounce back quickly and he was able to have the sleepover at our house with his best bud that had been planned for weeks. But going through that with him made me feel more alone than I've felt in ages. It stung deep down opening an old familiar wound.

Moving on from that, on the dating front things with boyfriend are fantastic. He’s every bit the man I dreamed he’d be. He’s patient with me, understanding, communicative and so comfortable to be around. Add in the great sex and fun we have together and I feel like we were made for each other. We found photos of us from 2003 and it was obvious even back then how connected we are. I love him so much and I’m extremely grateful that he’s in my life. I need to figure out how to handle the times we don’t feel as connected - when life gets in the way - but we’re going to figure that out together, which will hopefully make it easier. When we’re not connected I feel like the rollercoaster is off it’s rails and I’m free falling without a safety net, and right now I can’t afford to add more instability into my life. But we’re both committed to making this work so my fear and anxiety is starting to subside. Last night a new friend, whose in a similar relationship, articulated how strange it is to feel so passionately for someone else because neither of us have ever felt this way before. My love for boyfriend is so strong and real that I feel more vulnerable and needy than I ever did in past relationships because I care more deeply and feel like I have much more to lose. Instead of feeling insecure about this I’m starting to embrace the beauty of being fragile with someone you love. Note, starting. I’ve got a long way to go!

Mom’s been having a hard time - the pain is back and she’s extremely exhausted - but we got some encouraging news from a doctor in the States this morning that I think is making us all feel more optimistic. I reached out to him after reading an article from the Leukaemia and Lymphoma society that featured his work on mom’s specific diagnosis. His prompt personal reply confirming that her new treatment is the best course of action at this point made me feel much more confident in things. Hopefully her body responds well to the treatment!

I’m sleeping again - phew! - and had strange dreams last night of being excluded by mom. Her brother and my aunt are coming into town from Israel next week and my mom’s youngest sister may be coming in from California in a few weeks. While I love them all, they aren’t easy to be around for extended periods of time and the thought of them intruding on this situation makes me very agitated. I think that my subconscious took that one step further and magnified my fears of abandonment by being excluded from her care when they are around. I know that everyone needs to feel like they’re helping and that if mom’s prognosis isn’t great she’s going to want to spend time with her siblings while she's able. But sometimes having them around makes it harder for the rest of us and I have very little patience or emotional energy to deal with them. I’m getting anxious thinking about their upcoming trips and I’m trying to find healthier ways to look at and handle them.

Even though I’m not very motivated right now I’m beginning to run and do yoga with my coworkers at lunch. It feels great to get out and move, especially when I don’t feel like it. I love my colleagues and going to work in general. So lucky!

So much more to get out but I’ve gotta get back to work.

Later,

M.