It's weird when you feel like you have to be excited that someone has a certain type of cancer.

It's weird when you feel like you have to be excited that somebody has a certain kind of cancer. Its a strange pressure, that because other people are excited I feel like I have to be excited too even though I'm not. I'm really scared and confused, and feel a bit lonely and isolated in the fear because everybody else is celebrating.

And guilty that I am afraid and feeling these feelings when others are being more optimistic. The logical side of me gets it and gets that it will all be ok. It's going to be a rough journey but the other end is worth it. But it's like the external expectation is to feel or exhibit certain reactions, and inside the turmoil and feelings that are stirring are in conflict. And I guess it goes back to the issues, the very familiar constant issues that have always been there of not being able to trust being genuine in who I am for fear of rejection at the most foundational level.

When it was a hypothetical it was much easier to stay strong and focus on the best outcome. To compartmentalize and strategize in the abstract. To look at a potential diagnosis with courage and the determination to get myself and everyone else through it. To channel the strength needed to stay in control of my wandering thoughts and emotions.

Ah, the joys of being human.