Naming the enemy: B-Cell.

So, we met with the radiation oncologist.

We now have a name for the cancerous enemy attacking mom: diffuse large B cell lymphoma. We're gonna call it B-Cell.

It was a draining day, peppered with moments that made me smile. I went by Starbucks en route to the hospital and they had the scarf mom forgot there last night. That was a nice surprise. Work was quiet which allowed me to leave for the apt without worry or stress about the studio.

I do feel guilty that I was distracted transcribing the hospital notes this evening when I could have engaged my son instead. And I'm very worried about Brother 2 and all of the shit - including new developments today - on this plate.

The natural light in PMH is nice but the fact that it's so busy is sad, very sad.

I was frustrated with the system earlier. We were referred by the sister hospital, located right next door, yet the first question the nurse asked us when we sat down in the exam room was: "tell me why you're here." Really?!? There isn't an electronic file with her chart, the surgeon's notes, lab and scan results, and not only the reason but the chronology that led us there this afternoon??? It's 2017 for fucks sake. When mom had to rehash the evolution of the situation I could hear the anxiety rising in her voice. During a lull in the convo I interrupted and asked if any of the information she was sharing was in a central database shared by the UHN. The answer was a disappointing "no". In the nurse's defence, she was kind and patient with us. She was warm with mom and they seemed to connect. The doctor had a similar vibe to him. Approachable and not rushed. Unfortunately we need to see the medical oncologist first - referrals were sent to both radiology and medical oncology but medical deals with chemo so it takes longer to get an apt, chemo is more popular - and don't have an apt yet. The good news is that the radiation oncologist is getting the wheels in motion for a PET scan, which is needed along with a bone marrow biopsy, to determine the stage of the lymphoma. From there they'll be able to put together a treatment plan.

I'm glad things are moving forward, it's just that the waiting is tough. We want to start the treatment right away. Waiting and more unknowns give the imagination time to wander.

I've been trying to be more aware of my thoughts lately. Return to my breathing and refocus when I venture into the realm of unnecessary chaos. I'm enjoying motivational podcasts while I walk to work. Too much time for free thinking makes me feel like a slave in my mind, trapped by fearful, insecure or toxic streams of consciousness.

The small positive changes, partly influenced by boyfriend, feel good and the timing is bang on. Making food choices that will help keep my mind clear and uncluttered, slowing down and giving myself permission to feel the feelings, and focusing on gratitude & self care will hopefully help me stay as healthy as possible - emotionally and physically - so that I can take care of those around me when needed. In a way I think that I always get the inspiration and tools that I need from the world around me when I need them the most. The lessons that I need to learn, the habits that I need to change or form, the perspective shifts that are needed to deal with the life chapter I'm facing.

Mah / Ohm. Mah - Ohm. Mah - Ohm.