Radiation Oncologist Apt

This afternoon we meet with the radiation oncologist. So many questions!

What stage?

Is it Hodgkins or Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma?

Next steps? Chemo? Radiation? Bone marrow biopsy?

What support does the hospital offer for the patient and family?

Treatment plan and expected outcome?

Timeframe?

Hopefully today takes a few unknowns out of the equation and gives us answers that we can work with. Unknowns suck. Facts are tangible, and we can set goals and push ourselves towards a finish line if we know what we’re dealing with.

Last night we had our FCC (Fuck Cancer Celebration) dinner and it wasn’t great. Brother 1 is going through big changes and challenges with his business, and we’re all worried about how he’s handling the combined stress of his personal / professional life colliding with mom’s health situation. He doesn’t handle stress well at the best of times and I’m seriously concerned. Given our family history - men who die of heart attacks young from stress, smoking and lifestyle - I’m really fucking scared. Maybe even more frightened for him than mom at the moment.

Had a nice post-dinner connect with my bf last night. It felt good to let the rest of the world disappear for a bit and cocoon in our own little bubble. Being with him relaxes me and makes everything feel calmer, easier.

I can’t focus at work today. I’m antsy about the apt this afternoon. I’m hoping and expecting good news, which I know I shouldn’t do. I’ve really gotta work on wrangling expectations because I keep getting burned, but I’m prepared for this being something we’re going to beat. I can’t fathom anything else.

Last night mom shared that she’s frightened too. Of course she is! Our default is to put on a brave face and be strong for everyone else. I guess it helps us too. Kinda like how smiling makes you feel better even if you’re feeling shitty. But I don’t want us to feel obligated to be positive for others if we’re not feeling it. Maybe by giving her permission to be real and human and open to her honest feelings I was also telling myself that I can do the same.

I’m on the fence about reaching out to my old friends. The ones from high school who were there for me when daddy died. Who were there for me when mom had thyroid cancer in 2004. Who I know would be there for me again. But I’m a bit paralyzed. Does it make it real when I share the news? Am I withdrawing from the attention?

I don’t know.

I feel ok today. A bit hungover but not overwhelmed or caught up in the fear. I’m ready to get more information. I’m psyched to take notes and then share them with my brothers and close friends. I’m ready for a plan and milestones and something tangible to work with.

I woke up early to meet a contractor about my backyard. He was much more expensive than the last quote but he seemed more experienced and qualified. I’m excited to have a place to retreat to this summer.

I’ve gotta focus on the positive, on what I’m grateful for, when I can. And right now I can. I’m feeling pretty lucky about many things. I’m not in the mood to list them right now but I’m aware of the blessings in my life and that feels good. My son tops the list. Staying healthy and on the rails for him needs to remain my priority and focus.

We’ve got this.