Lundi

Met with contractor again this morning. Feeling like things are coming together on that front. Still gonna be expensive but we’re getting the price into a more manageable ballpark. I love the thought of relaxing with boyfriend in the backyard with summer cocktails. Son playing while I BBQ. Family and friends over for lazy weekend afternoons. I like entertaining and having a place to retreat to when the weather is nice. I’m on the fence (ha!) about doing the project myself and I know that I’m not great at asking others for help. I’m also not sure relying on my brothers to help right now - when everyone is very busy with their own lives - is the best option. I’m concerned about water flow towards the house, especially after waterproofing the basement last year. The grading in the backyard currently drifts south towards the house, so either way professional work will need to be done to safeguard against water issues if I’m going to upgrade the backyard. I think I’ve got 3 realistic options: Getting pros to do it and accept that it will cost me / Get the pros to do the foundational work and get family & friends to help with the fence / Leaving things as is but adding sod or grass to make it more attractive. Aren’t decisions fun? :S

Medical oncologist apt at PMH today. I’m pumped - let’s get this show on the road! Hopefully we get an apt for the bone marrow biopsy so that the treatment plan can begin. Our lives are on hold and we’re eager to begin the healing process. Passover is next week and we’re unsure if we’ll have a dinner at the farm this year, it might be too much for mom right now.

Yesterday son and I had lunch and went to a movie with boyfriend and his daughter. Son and I walked there, which took almost two hours. I knew I should have given him a snack before lunch to refuel but I thought that since we were going to have movie theatre treats it was ok to wait until we got to the restaurant. I was wrong! Son was tired and hungry - understandable! - and I got annoyed and impatient. Not a great combo. After lunch we had a little ‘meeting’ to reset things and he was better in the theatre and after the movie. The weather was nice so we decided to walk home, we were both in good moods and reconnected. He was excited to get home and do arts & crafts in our office (now that it’s clean and organized) and I was eager to get things prepared for Monday (veggies cut, fruit washed, groceries put away, etc). Boyfriend came over for Sunday movie & pizza night, which was nice. Son got tired so we wrapped things up before the movie ended. We had a little rift at bedtime which made me feel like a parenting failure. It’s a crap feeling when someone else's child is behaving when yours isn’t, it feels even worse when you don’t handle the situation well. Regret, guilt, embarrassment - so many feelings mixing to make clear thinking impossible. I apologized to son for my reactions and we discussed how he could have handled things differently. In retrospect it was my fault for not giving him the fuel he needed to feel good early in the day, and I could have been more patient at bedtime. Ah, hindsight. I’ve gotta learn from these things so that they don’t get repeated. He’s a great kid and we’re both doing our best. We’re usually connected and get along well. I might need to learn to be more understanding with myself when I don’t get it right. Blah! This isn’t easy.

It was nice walking to work this morning. I really like routine. Hopefully son and I make it to swimming tonight (if mom’s apt doesn’t go too long) and then we both head to bed at a reasonable time. I’m looking forward to seeing our friends at swimming and making plans for our race this weekend. Boyfriend and I are running 5k (his first time!) and son is doing his first 1k - so exciting!

The sun just came out, which will make the walk up to the hospital nicer.

I think that’s all for now.