Mardi

Yesterday day very informative!

I left feeling overwhelmed, a bit anxious, overloaded with information, and very excited that things are moving forward. Here’s the skinny:

We went in at 2pm. Met with a really nice, warm, supportive nurse named Ellen. Then things really started to roll: Fellow Doctor came to assess mom, then briefed the leading doctor (Dr. K). Meeting Dr. K was great - he seemed very relaxed and approachable. He gave us a pretty detailed explanation of what’s going on and what the treatment plan is going to look like. Then the Fellow doctor did a bone marrow biopsy (I got to watch), followed by blood work. More info and apts booked. We left at around 5:30pm.

Mom and Brother 2 are going back on Wed (tomorrow) for a PET scan to determine if the cancer is anywhere else in her body. On Monday mom goes for a heart test and more blood work, then I’ll meet her at 2:30pm for our pre-treatment apt with Dr. K. Next Wed is the first round of chemo, with the second on May 3rd and the next on May 24th. THERE’S A PLAN!

It was a lot to process. Most of the time I was bubbling with excitement that things are happening and the information the doctors shared sounded positive and reassuring. At times, especially when we were leaving, the reality of the situation hit and the excitement turned to eruptions of anxiety.

On the way to get my son I stopped at the LCBO to pick up a 6-pack of Corona. I ended up having a glass of wine, blackberries and crackers for dinner but for some strange reason I felt like I needed beer in my fridge to get through the next few weeks. I rarely drink solo but the glass of wine helped calm me as I transcribed the notes for my brothers last night.

Big picture - yesterday was full of good news in a bad situation. Hopefully by Rosh Hashanna in the fall this is all behind us and we get to start a new year fresh and healthy.

In the chaos of all of this I’ve decided (with mom’s encouragement) to book the backyard contractor. More on that another time.

Life doesn’t feel on hold anymore. Having a picture of what’s going to happen may be daunting but at least we can plan around it individually and as a group. We’re going up to the farm in two weeks for the long weekend and we’ll help mom prep healthy meals for when she’s not feeling well. She’s nervous about gaining weight and swelling from the Prednisone.

I’m noticing that I’m stretched a bit thin again. The guilt of not being present or engaging enough with my son is surfacing once more. I was hoping to reconnect with him now that our busy time at work is over, but it seems as though I need to stay in ‘go mode’ for a while longer. I can do this! I need to make a plan and carve out time, energy and ways to stay connected with my little guy. He’s the most important thing. Staying healthy for him and taking care of him are paramount. We’ve got a team - brothers, step father, aunts, friends - to help with mom, but son only really has me. Once mom’s treatment gets rolling (next week, yay!) I think that I’ll be able to refocus on son again. I feel like I need to help navigate us into chemo and then I can stand back and let others help support. I’m not sure if this is rational or ego or just something that I feel I need to do, but it feels right. I’m not the best cook so I don’t think I’ll be responsible for ongoing meal prep. My step father can take care of groceries and my aunts + mom’s friends can visit more often because of their flexible schedules. We’ll go up on weekends and soak up family time when we’re together.

I feel like there’s a lot more ‘stuff’ in me to sort through and feel and understand. To process. But I’ve got a lot of things to do today so those deep emotions and thoughts will need to wait until later.

Instead of feeling the usual release and clarity I experience after writing I’m feeling heavy in my shoulders and chest. Maybe it’s because I’m ignoring the guts of what’s spinning beneath the surface. Maybe it’s because it is raining today so I didn’t get to walk in. Maybe I didn’t sleep enough or the wine is still effecting me. It’s probably also that there’s still a lot on my plate and I’m back in survival-mode. Good thing I know how to survive! Being a victim isn’t an option.