Mercredi

I’m not in the mood to write today. I feel like I’m starting to repeat myself.

Same feelings of needing to remain connected and engaged with son. Same excitement and fear pendulum about mom’s health.

Feeling good physically. The sun is out today. Big picture, life is good.

Went out with boyfriend last night to catch a band perform nearby. It was nice to down a couple of beers and get lost in the music for a bit.

Good morning with my son, then helpful convo with my friend/therapist during my walk into work.

I realize that I’m withdrawing a bit, not wanting to ask for help (not sure I really need it right now) or see my friends these days. I’m ok corresponding by text and email, and the occasional call, but lately I haven’t wanted to be surrounded by my friends. I don’t have a lot of free time and I’m choosing to spend it with my son, boyfriend and family. I also realized this morning that I don’t want to be the victim, and often when explaining the situation my identity becomes "the daughter of a mother with cancer" (again). I recognize that I’m not giving my friends the chance to be there and help me, but I’m also not ready to fully open up about this in person. Writing feels easier, both here and in direct messages. And, while I’m kinda embarrassed to admit this because it feels selfish and gross, I don’t have the patience for chit chat. I’m not in the mood to catch up and listen to updates right now. Articulating that makes me feel a bit guilty but also very definitive in that being how I feel.

I’m meeting a colleague / friend later today for drinks & nibblies and I’ll open up to her. I’m looking forward to it, she’s great. We’ve had similar experiences with loss and disease in our families, so connecting with her feels familiar and camaraderie’esque not like a pity party.

I think that I have a plan to help feel better about my relationship with son. First of all, there’s nothing wrong with our relationship - we’re great! I just want to do what I can to stay that way. Any opportunities to spend time with him, I’m taking. More walks after dinner to talk and be present - without my phone. More colouring and lego. And maybe even making movie & pizza nights with boyfriend every other Sunday so that son and I can connect solo after his weekends with my ex. Yes, that feels like a good plan. I like plans.

Mom had her PET scan this morning. Next apts are on Monday: heart test + blood work + follow up with medical oncologist. Chemo is at 8:45am next Wed. Wig shopping and a trip to Sephora will probably be the following weekend

After the appointments on Monday we’re going to my uncle’s house for Passover dinner. Brother 2 is picking up my son, and if mom is up for it we’ll meet them there after the hospital. If not mom & my step father will drop me off at boyfriends and we'll go over together. It should be a good night with family before treatment gets started.

I remember being “the girl whose dad died” for years, it felt like a stigma. I don’t want to be “the girl whose mom has cancer”, I’m going to be “the girl whose mom beat cancer twice!”

I’ve probably already mentioned this - I can’t remember - but boyfriend and I are running a 5k race on Saturday. It’s his first 5k and my son’s first 800m run. I’m excited! We’re going out for brunch after and then getting massages - yay! I’m really excited for my son too. He’s done 500m runs before and this is his next step towards a 1k route. It should be a ton of fun.