Jeudi

So much to process but I’m not in the mood to get started. Ok here goes:

Had drinks with a remarkable woman yesterday afternoon. A good friend and colleague who is so easy to talk to. We’ve got lots in common - we’re both producers + both have a parent who passed away years ago + both have a parent with cancer. Her suggestions for coping: Walking to music, lots of wine and whiskey, solo time in nature (she’s going up to a cottage ALONE next week and I’m not going to lie, I’m jealous), meditation, movies & Netflix. It was also nice to chat about love and relationships at this stage of life. Recognizing that our needs and expectations from a lover have changed. The need for self care and how feeling good about ourselves impacts our relationships with others. And of course we commiserated about how shitty Cancer is. She’s so lovely and two hours together wasn’t enough time! It was Whiskey Wednesday at a local bar/cafe, and Old Fashioned cocktails paired with freshly made root veggie chips & dips, plus great company = exactly what I needed!

Followed by a walk up to get my son. He was a bit tired last night so my plan to be extra lovey-dovey was kinda derailed. Spelling homework, dinner, and some time together followed by a book and bed. I then went downstairs and, taking my friends advice, I enjoyed a few episodes of Hostages before heading to bed.

There was more about my Whiskey Wednesday rendezvous that I wanted to process but part of the problem with day-drinking is that I tend to forget some of the brilliant things that I think about when I’m daytime tipsy. I also unconsciously eat more when I’m not sober and then feel crazy full once the haze lifts.

It was also good to chat with her about work stuff and mentoring. It’s nice being able to discuss those things with someone who ‘gets it’.

My mind doesn’t feel as full and overwhelmed. Brother 1 seems to be running with his business situation and knows that I’m here to help as needed. Mom is gearing up for next week and spending time with her friends and sisters. Work is kinda slow so I’m catching up and getting things done at the studio that I don’t normally have time for. Son is good and healthy. And I’m ok. I’m better on days when I walk to work - my body likes to move - but it’s raining again today so it was a 4 wheel commute.

I’ve got an apt with the new therapist tonight. I think that I’m ready to move onto some of the foundational issues that keep coming up, like confidence and insecurities. I think that if I had a short term goal it would be to improve my confidence and squash the unsupportive and critical inner chatter. Most of the time I’m good but when I’m not, when the vulnerability and comparing and fears of rejection get loud and my self esteem drops I feel like my ability to function as a leader at work, a role model at home or a partner in my relationship come off the rails a bit. I know these feelings are related to PMS, and that I feel better and more in control of thoughts and emotions when I eat for my brain and feel healthy in my body. But it would still be nice to acquire skills and habits that promote a foundation of approval and support from within.

I think that’s all I’ve got for today.