Lunes

Here are my thoughts about today ~

Passover tonight, what parts of my life do I need to release from ‘enslavement’? I think that for the most part I live in a pretty self aware state but at times I hold myself back by overthinking. My goal is to work on this, which will hopefully open me up to living more fully and being more present.

I'm looking forward to family time this eve. Brother 1 is picking up my son and I'll meet them at my uncle's house. Delicious food, amazing wine, people I love and tradition that makes me feel cozy and connected make the full belly and constipation worthwhile, right?

Apt with the oncologist at PMH this afternoon. I scanned the PET results on Friday, looked up the details online and got overwhelmed by the notes. We were warned about this and advised to wait until we can review results with the doctors because Google searches can give snapshots of a situation that might not reflect the full picture of what’s going on. So today we get clarification, phew.

My best friend from university sent a very honest email about the voice I’ve been using on here. I love having REAL friends who are honest and genuine in their feedback, views and advice. She pointed out how hard I am on myself when it comes to parenting. I know this but default to a lens of not being good enough or doing enough. My friend pointed out that the consistency, support and love I give my son is ENOUGH and that I should focus on what I do do not what I might not. It’s interesting how other people giving me permission for something can be more effective than any inner dialogue I have with myself. Thank you N, you’re right and I really appreciate that you can trust me with your honest views.

I had a fantastic weekend! The 5k race was great. Boyfriend set a good steady pace and we both enjoyed the run through High Park. Son found his 800m dash tough but he’s still interested in doing a 2k in two weeks - so proud of him! I think I’ll take him to the track at this school in the evenings to ‘train’ together. More fun things to do with him and now that the weather is getting warmer being out in the fresh air will feel so good.

I’m doing more Ohm:Mah breathing, which I’m finding helpful. I drank too much on Saturday night and ended up saying too much / not articulating myself as intended, which of course made me overthink and replay the conversations again and again. The Ohm:Mah breathing is helping me stay present and not give value to the feelings of regret about what’s already happened. Remembering the beautiful, fun and pleasurable moments feels much better than beating myself up about my silly drunken rants.