Chemo treatment #1

Being in PMH is sad & wonderful. It’s a phenomenal facility. When we arrived they gave us a buzzer that would go off when it was mom's turn. The chemo centre has a fireplace and refreshments. The chemo ‘pod’ was a reclining chair in a small ‘room’ with a curtain on one side and a window on the other. It was bright, clean and private. And the caregivers were wonderful! Attentive, engaging and nice to her! There were even volunteers coming by with snacks.

Mom was in pain this morning and it took a while to get narcotics to ease the discomfort. Once they started to work it was obvious that the pain was subsiding. Her face relaxed and her body language got lighter.

They started with Benadryl and then began the R meds. They administered it very slowly in case she had a reaction. Her blood pressure and temperature stayed in the safe range so treatment went as planned.

Overall it wasn’t as depressing as I had expected and mom took the chemo like a champ. It was when I was walking around after I left mom and noticed how many others, in different states of cancer treatment, were there that it hit home how truly horrible and undiscriminating the disease is. Most were there alone, which made me sad. Mom and I got to hang out for a few hours while my step-father attended to work commitments. It was nice spending the time with her. We did some online shopping, gossiped a bit and relaxed in comfortable silence while the chemicals dripped into her veins. At one point, early in the day while she was still in pain, she said something that made me think I’ve been annoying her with the chit chat I was making to distract us from things. My mind started to spin, feeling guilty and embarrassed that maybe I was imposing and being the annoying person no one wants around. When the pain subsided we kinda touched on our earlier interaction and agreed to trust that we’ll be clear with each other if we feel irritated by the other. When you spend a lot of time with your mom it’s easy to miscommunicate or misinterpret things.

On one hand I felt very close to mom yesterday and appreciative that she’s invited me to share this very personal journey. On the other hand there was a while when I felt uncomfortable and like an annoying imposition, which made me pull back and retreat into myself.

When I left the hospital I put on my headphones, cued up one of my fav albums, and started to cry as I walked home. I was walking up McCaul silently bawling, not giving a shit what others thought. By the time I got to College I didn’t have any tears left and felt a calm emptiness. I was a bit numb. I stopped to get my son a couple of new colouring books and then picked him up from school, which is a big treat for both of us. I usually pick him up from daycare at around 5:15pm. Showing up for the end of school at 3:20pm felt so special! I got to say hi to his teacher and walk him home in the sunshine. He played with a friend from the neighbourhood in the living room while I took a conference call for work in the kitchen, then we went to our local date spot for dinner. A bit more colouring paired with vegan mac & cheese, Caesar salad, fries, ginger ale, and donuts for dessert = perfect! I want to do that more often. We connect when we colour and it was fun eating comfort food during the week.

The day was pretty heavy. Before leaving the hospital I read an email from one of my cousins offering to help in any way needed. The support that’s been offered moves me. My first instinct is to plough through and do things on my own, I’m not good at asking for help. But knowing that there are people who genuinely care and want to help makes me emotional in the best way possible. Gratitude.