Hello!

I know that it’s been a while. Things at work have picked up and I haven’t quite figured out how to schedule writing into my routine. I think that I’m going to try to get into the office a wee bit earlier and see if that opens a window to blog more frequently.

So much has gone on and is going on. I’m trying to avoid drama and in doing so I’m realizing that I think I’m guilty of creating some myself lately. I’d like to explore that more later.

I think that I’m tired. I say that because my typical exhaustion insecurities are surfacing. Fears of rejection are pretty prominent right now.

I’m on day 3 of doing a bit of yoga & meditation in the morning. I’m waking up at 6am for a few sun salutations, poses and stretches followed by some deep breathing. I’m not sure if it’s making me feel better or more tired but I’d like to continue because starting my day with calm, quiet and being present in my body instinctively feels like something that I need right now.

Mom’s second round of chemo is in one week, one week from today. So far the side effects have been pretty mild. Brother 2 took her took emerg last week for a fever but she’s been stable since. She says that her hair is starting to fall out and she’s developing mouth sores. All expected, and so far not as ‘bad’ as anticipated. I wonder how that will progress as more treatments and chemicals get infused into her body.

I struggle with some of the decisions that she makes in her personal life but I’m trying to give others space and really understand that just because they do things differently than I would, accept different situations or handle things differently doesn’t make them wrong, just different. We all make our CHOICES and just because they are different doesn’t make one better or more right than the other. I may not understand why others do things but that doesn’t mean they're bad decisions, just not something I’d invite into my life.

I’m also noticing that I’m learning a lot right now. Learning and aware of things at high speed. With my son - constantly! - with my brothers, my mom, at work, my relationship, myself… I’m in a very perceptive place right now, absorbing, observing and processing at rapid speed. I’m an over-thinker (and over communicator) at the best of times, but right now my hyper-drive thinking is different. I’m seeing ways to grow from things that I’d like to change but I’m also slightly sensitive to being rejected or criticized for being overly analytical. Ah, this human thing can be so tricky!

Whoah, so much more to get out now that I’ve started. I feel like I’m only scratching the surface.

I think that as the side effects start to affect mom more this will feel more ‘real’. I’m curious to hear what the doctor has to say when we go to PMH on Monday for the follow up before chemo round #2.

Son is doing well. We’re in a good place.

Work is ok. Lots going on but manageable. I feel like I need to be more focused. I am, but I’m not 100% present with work right now some of the time.

Things with boyfriend are ok. More on that later. No issues, I think we’re great. I’m just over-thinking things which I tend to do when I’m tired and prone to being more insecure than usual.

My body feels strong and healthy. Period is over (phewf). Had a couple of good runs on the weekend + walking to work + stretching in the morning = I’m feeling pretty good.

Last weekend boyfriend and I ran our first trail run together. It was tough but lots of fun. It started with a big hill, which kind of destroyed both of us, but afterwards running through the forest. over rocks, and along a lake felt so good! After our 5+k run I ran a 2k route with my son. He was amazing! It was a beautiful experience for us together. It was a cold grey morning but turned into a beautiful sunny day.

Boyfriend and I went to soak in a hot tub, got groceries and wine, then went to the farm to relax. Reading newspapers with tea and snacks in the backyard felt decadent! We hosted another couple, friends of his, for dinner and it was really nice.

The next day my ex dropped my son off and Brother 1, boyfriend, mom and I tried to teach my son how to play baseball. He starts on a house-league team later this month and he’s never played before. He’s skipping tee-ball and joining the team with kids a year older than him. I’m very nervous because I want this to be a positive experience for him and I fear we might be setting him up for frustration and disappointment. He was very opposed to tee-ball and it’s much further from our house than the baseball league, so this option seemed better for both of us. I guess we’ll see…

A bit of TMI for you this morning: I'm dealing with still having post-pregnancy haemorrhoids 6.5 years after my son was born. I’m very self conscious about them and my dr has suggested I get them removed. I have an apt booked for next Friday (two days after mom’s 2nd round of chemo) but I’m contemplating rescheduling it for the fall. I’m not sure I want to be uncomfortable or ‘out of commission’ this spring. I was told recovery may take up to 3 weeks, which might mean no walking to work, bike riding, hot yoga, running, etc. Do I really want to forgo those things during the spring / summer, right before my 40th birthday? Or would I rather wait until the fall when I have less incentive to be as active and social? Work picks up in the late fall, maybe I should do this when I’ll be more busy with work and less invested in my personal life? Hummm.

My 40th birthday is coming up, that’s another thing I’d like to work through. I'm excited about it and want to celebrate but it's tricky this year. More on that another time.

I've gotta get back to work. I guess I’ll need to pick this back up later or tomorrow.