Last Friday in April

I know that I’m avoiding writing. It’s partly not intentional, there are a ton of other legit things on my to-do list that need to get tackled. I came into the office early to blog this morning, because there’s a ton in me that needs to get out, but instead of jumping in and writing I replied to personal emails and did some work on my taxes. All things that need to get done but it’s interesting that my unconscious choice of priorities changed as the morning progressed.

Day 5 of morning yoga & meditation - yay! I’m really enjoying my quiet time to stretch and ground myself before starting the day. My son is adjusting to the new routine well too. I’m waiting for him to ask to join me, and I know I’ll be smiling on the inside and out when that day comes.

Yesterday mom cut off her hair. When I first heard I got knots in my stomach and “this is really real” swirled through my head. Then when she sent the pics I got very emotional and had to go outside for fresh air. She looked like a cancer patient, a beautiful butchy cancer patient. My amazing colleague gave me a big hug when I came back in and her genuine concern and support took away some of the sting. The light banter by text with my mom and brothers made it easier for all of us too, I think. Most of the time it’s easy to believe she’s ok. She hasn’t had too many intrusive side effects from the treatment yet and the chemo has alleviated most of her pain. But when we get glimpses of the reality of what’s going on I get afraid and panicky. I’m fortunate that I’ve got a lot of good support in my life but sometimes that doesn’t smother the fear and loneliness that comes up. The next apt with the oncologist is on Monday. Mom is sleeping over at our place Sunday night because it will be easier for her to get to PMH the next day. She’s been very very exhausted lately, which is good and means that the treatment is working, but also sad and hard to accept.

I’ve been thinking about my birthday a lot lately. 40 isn’t a big deal to me, I really don’t mind aging. I think I’m getting better as I get older. But because so many other people make a big deal out of 4-0 I feel pressured to do something this year. Initially mom had offered to take me and my brothers to Vegas to celebrate - because my mom, brothers, son and boyfriend are who I’d really like to spend my time with these days - then she withdrew the offer because it was going to cost too much and she decided she’d rather spend the money on multiple other trips with my step-father. I was annoyed and resentful after that, and kinda went on a “fuck it, I don’t want to celebrate with you anyway” rant in my head in retaliation from the rejection and disappointment. Brother 2 reminded me that it’s my own damn fault and should have known better. Whenever I get expectations (even ones explicitly presented by others) I set myself up for disappointment, and to avoid that I need to work at curbing expectations in general. I really struggle with that.

I don’t love being the centre of attention but I also expect (voila, there it is again!) to do something for my birthday because society tells me to do something. I can vividly remember my mom’s anticipation for her 40th: She’d go on and on about wanting a Jaguar car and/or an antique roller top desk. She wanted a big party and it was a big fucking deal. She’s thrown my step father big 50th & 60th catered birthday parties. We’ve thrown her surprise and other big celebrations. Boyfriend threw himself a shindig for his 40th last fall. What do I want to do? Take son to Newfoundland to whale watch & hike? Or to Great Wolf Lodge for a night of waterslides and junk food? Go away with boyfriend for the weekend? I wrestle with throwing myself a party while mom is sick, it just doesn’t feel right. Yet I think I’ll resent and regret not doing anything. No, I don’t love being the centre of attention but I think it would be cool to bring my friends together for an afternoon of poolside / bonfire fun in a low-key, low-stress way. But what about mom being around people and germs, is that a concern? And costs and logistics? I really really don’t want to make a big deal out of this, I really don’t, but I think that if I let a decision go for too long then nothing will happen and I don’t think I can afford to invite more emotional instability into my life right now. So, I think I’ve landed on this: Small get together of friends and family at the farm on my birthday. Pool party with a food truck so that no one has to worry about cooking. Keg, wine and Prosecco on deck. Salads, snacks and s’mores. The only thing I’m a stickler on is that I don’t want my extended family (aunts or uncles) invited at all. None of them. I’m not in the mood for their cranky old Jewish energy or weirdness around. I want light and fun and drama-free, which my older relatives are not. I don’t think that I want too many people. I don't want to feel like it’s work and that I'm "on" entertaining, just those I really care about. Comfortable and easy. A part of me worries, like I always have whenever I’ve thrown a party, that what if people don’t show up and it seems like I don’t have any friends. But I know that’s not the case. I’ve come to a place in my life where I’m very particular about who I spend time with, so even if two people (or no friends) show up I’ll still be surrounded by folks I genuinely care about. It’s not about quantity, it’s about quality at this stage. I’m also on the fence about inviting certain new friends, who I really like but I’m not sure that I'm ready to have them see/experience/ judge me because my mom has this fantastic big property. Ah, another thing for me to work through, great.

Before I move ahead with this plan I want to cost it out to make sure I can afford it - I’ve been spending way too much money lately between my backyard and our trip to Italy this summer - and give myself a bit more time to process the idea to make sure it really feels right to me.

Time for work. I’ll try to write again later today. So much more to brain-dump.