When it rains, it pours.

Indeed it does.

When I walked the Camino de Santiago in 2005 I trekked through muddy fields and hills in a major rainstorm. During that chapter of the trek I vividly recall realizing the parallel between what we experience through nature and what goes on in our minds. Just like emotional chaos and confusion, rain storms pass and calm sunny days return. Right now I’m in a pretty dark storm in my mind and it’s bringing up all sort of other things that upset me or have been gnawing unattended to lately. I’m annoyed with boyfriend even though he hasn’t done anything to provoke me. I’m irritated with my family. I’m feeling guilty about all sorts of stuff. I’m resentful of friends and feeling the need to withdraw and cocoon. I’m in a crap mood. I feel lonely and alone. Unsupported and under- appreciated. Lost in situations that I can’t control. Afraid but also strong. I’m aware of my strength and my ability to overcome one of my biggest fears, rejection, if and when it arises because I’m been through worse and survived. I’m a strong person but I’m also very confused and overwhelmed right now.

This past weekend I got sick and I think it was just my body saying “enough”. I’m pretty sure it was triggered by mom cutting her hair off last week. It sent me into a downward spiral - this is really happening - and my body needed some time to process it all. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on perspective), the downtime gave me the opportunity to feel and think about things I haven’t had time to reflect about lately. I notice that when things get too big I over-schedule myself (I’ve done this for years) so it often takes something like getting sick to force me to stop and recharge. I felt guilty that I wasn’t able to visit with my family this weekend but if we’re unwell we can’t be around mom, her immune system is too weak.

This afternoon is the oncologist apt and I’m worried that Brother 2 is going to push me out of going, despite me having booked my babysitter weeks ago to take my son to swimming tonight so that I can be there. Going to the apts is my way of contributing to this situation. My other responsibilities prevent me from being on-call if mom needs to go to emerg or needs help at the farm. I booked the time off work when we first heard about the apts, and everyone knows this has been my role from the get-go. I don’t have the energy for conflict right now but I can feel my body poised for a fight, which is probably only taxing my immune system even more. I’m pretty sure that mom’s hair coming off has been a wake up call for all of us, but just because he suddenly woke up to what’s going on doesn’t mean that I get pushed out. I might be anticipating nothing but my Spidey-Senses are usually pretty good. Mom was supposed to sleep at our place last night because she has an MRI apt downtown this morning. I completely understand if she chose to stay at her house because she wasn’t feeling well but if it was because Brother 2 wanted to take charge (which is what mom alluded to on the phone last night) then I’m not ok with that! My son was looking forward to his sleepover with her and was very upset and disappointed that she wasn’t able to make it. I offered to take him out for dinner (we had plans to go to his favourite restaurant with her) and rent a movie on iTunes but he was still disappointed, so we sat with our feelings and acknowledged that it sucks. I realized through this that he wanted to be a part of her process too and was looking forward to making her laugh and spending time with her. It’s interesting how we all feel the need to contribute and how being left out affects us all.

I’m really trying to live and let live when it comes to others doing things or accepting things that don’t make sense to me. Just because I don’t understand someone else’s relationship or decisions doesn’t mean they’re wrong and I’m right, we’re just different and that’s ok. This past weekend mom was sick at the farm and my step-father was at the cottage with his mother. My gut reaction is annoyance and irritation, but I might (probably) not know the whole story and there’s no point wasting energy judging when it doesn’t have anything to do with me.

So overall I’m pretty miserable. I’m scared for my mom. I’m feeling like my footing is uneven despite the blessings in my life. I’ve got a dark cloud over me right now and it’s raining outside today. I know that like that day on the Camino, this will pass, and that it’s ok to be grouchy and unhappy sometimes.

But, ugh. Ugh. Ugh.